Nine

EXT. CHARLES' APARTMENT - NIGHT We see the outside of Charles Boyle’s apartment and hear his son, Nikolaj, shouting for him. NIKOLAJ (V.O.): Papa, Papa, come in here! INT. CHARLES' APARTMENT - NIGHT Charles opens Nikolaj's bedroom door and comes in to see his son in bed, cuddling a plush toy. CHARLES: Hey, Papa’s here. (He sits down on the end of the bed) NIKOLAJ: Papa, I'm so scared. There's a monster in my closet. CHARLES: Oh, buddy. Shh. It's okay, I'm here. Monster's aren't real, my little pierogi. NIKOLAJ: But I saw it. It was big and hairy. CHARLES: You just had a nightmare, buddy. NIKOLAJ: No, it was real! CHARLES: I'm sure it felt that way. But (he stands up and walks over to the closet) I am gonna open this closet, and I’m gonna show you that there’s nothing in there. NIKOLAJ: Don't do that, Papa! CHARLES: See? (He pulls open the closet and we see Adrian Pimento standing in there) Nothing- Charles turns and all three of them start screaming. They all stop and Charles grabs his chest. CHARLES: Whoo! Pimento laughs. PIMENTO: Ah, hey, Chuck. It’s Pimento. OPENING CREDITS INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT, BRIEFING ROOM We see Charles standing in the middle of the briefing room with Sergeant Terry Jeffords and Pimento to his right and behind them is Norm Scully and Michael Hitchcock. To Charles' right, Gina Linetti is on her phone and in front of her is Captain Raymond Holt, Amy Santiago and Jake Peralta, who is leaning on the podium listening to Charles. CHARLES: And now Nikolaj says he's too frightened to ever sleep again, so that's just superduper. PIMENTO: I don’t understand what he's so scared about. If I was there to kill him, he never would've heard me. CHARLES: A thing you told him several times. JAKE: God, Nikolaj is having such a rich childhood. TERRY: Can we back up? (He turns to Pimento) What were you doing in Boyle's closet in the first place? PIMENTO: Well, I still had a key from when I was crashing there last year, and I wanted to shower and anoint my body with essential oils before I saw Rosa. Duh. JAKE: Well, she's gonna be so psyched that you're back. GINA: Where have you been all this time? Figgis has been locked up for a month. PIMENTO: I was in prison in Uzbekistan. It's actually not as bad as it sounds. BEGIN FLASHBACK INT. UZBEKISTAN PRISON We see a large man beating Pimento who is bleeding. They're both grunting and the man stops. PIMENTO: I deserve this! END FLASHBACK. JAKE: Why were you in jail? PIMENTO: Ah, I got shot down smuggling ammo to a rebel group, flying an old Soviet prop plane. They tortured us. Made me eat my co-pilot's tongue. Oof, now I've got a taste for it. HOLT: The important thing is you're safe and sound and back in Brooklyn. Pimento smiles and walks up to Holt, hugging him. PIMENTO: Thank you, Captain. (He grunts then inhales sharply) Ooh, you smell good! Wowza. HOLT: And end of hug. PIMENTO: (He pulls away) Okay. HOLT: I'll see about getting you reinstated to the NYPD immediately. GINA: I think this deserves another hug. PIMENTO: Me too. (He goes up to hug him again) HOLT: Nope. (Holt holds out his hand) One was sufficient. PIMENTO: Cool. The camera pans and we see Rosa Diaz standing outside the briefing room. ROSA: Pimento, you son of a bitch! PIMENTO: You're the son of a bitch! ROSA: Oh, we'll see who's a son of a bitch. (She walks over to him quickly) PIMENTO: Oh, yes, we will. Rosa jumps on Pimento and they start kissing. AMY: Aww. It's so sweet. Both Rosa and Pimento fall to the floor, breaking a table. AMY: And violent. JAKE: Yeah, this is awkward. I'm sure they'll stop soon. We hear them both scream and their legs flail in the air. JAKE: And it's escalating. Let's go. Everyone starts to walk out. INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT, BULL'S PEN We see Charles working at his desk and Terry sitting on his with Jake standing next to him. TERRY: I left my phone in the briefing room. The camera pans and we see Hitchcock staring through the briefing room window. TERRY: It's been 20 minutes. You think they're still- HITCHCOCK: (He turns to them) They're not doing anything. Kissing just turned into talk. It's like, why even work here? Rosa walks out of the briefing room followed by Pimento. ROSA: Listen up! We have an announcement to make. PIMENTO: When I was in that Uzbek prison, choking on my own blood because my face was being beaten in, I realized, life is funny! TERRY: That's what you realized? PIMENTO: Mm-hmm. ROSA: And it's short. We're picking up where we left off when Adrian went into hiding. We're getting married tomorrow. Everyone looks shocked and happy, everyone exclaims. We now see that Amy is standing next to Jake. TERRY: Tomorrow. That's real quick. PIMENTO: Thank you, Sarge. Terry looks confused. PIMENTO: And we want it to be beautiful, and lush, and romantic, just like a Nancy Meyers movie. ROSA: She's our favorite director. JAKE: Aw. I love "You've Got Mail". ROSA: That's Nora Ephron, you idiot. JAKE: I know. AMY: Wait, hold up. Planning a wedding like that in 14 hours would be the greatest organizational challenge in history. How are you gonna do it? ROSA: I was kinda hoping you would. (She smiles) Amy gets excited. AMY: I thought I was supposed to get you guys the wedding present! (She laughs and claps) Of course I will! ROSA: That's my girl. AMY: (She cheerfully sighs and walks towards Rosa and Pimento before turning around to address the rest of the squad) All right. Listen up, people. The next 14 hours are gonna be hell, but in the end you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've finally done something worthwhile with your lives. TERRY: I kinda think the police work we do- AMY: Eh-eh-eh! (Amy raises her voice) I don't have time to stroke your damn ego, Sergeant. Let's make a wedding! INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT, BULL'S PEN We see Jake get up from his desk and start walking. PIMENTO: Hey, Jake. Jake stops walking and turns, Pimento walks up to him. PIMENTO: I need a wedding favor. JAKE: Of course. Anything. Except killing someone, or maiming someone, or breaking the law in any way, or nudity. Also I don't like waking up super early in the morning you know what, why don't you just tell me what you want? PIMENTO: Cool, I need to go to Neustadter, New York. I gotta pick up a pair of ruby earrings I pawned before I went into hiding. JAKE: Neustadter's like six hours away. I'm not so sure we can get there and back in time. PIMENTO: Jake, there's no wedding without the earrings. My grandmother wore them on her wedding day, and said they blessed her union. Do you want this union to be blessed, Jake? Or do you want this union to be friggin' unblessed? JAKE: Blessed, totally blessed. I'll do it, it's fine. But I should warn you, my car is a piece of junk and it's always breaking down. PIMENTO: Ah, come on! The universe isn't gonna let anything bad happen to two best friends (He suddenly turns serious) unless we're in a fiery crash, and our bodies are burned beyond recognition. Jake nods, slightly disturbed. PIMENTO: Ooh, Gina's got jelly beans! Pimento walks over to Gina's desk, who is sitting on her phone. She looks up. GINA: Pimento, no. Pimento stops and backs away. GINA: Bad. PIMENTO: Sorry, Gina. (He turns to Jake, murmurs and then walks off) JAKE: Turning to Gina That was amazing. He actually listens to you. Hey, you should come with us on this trip. You know, in case he starts acting- GINA: Bat crap loony tunes. JAKE: Yes. You can use your powers to keep him in check. GINA: Yeah, people fear me. JAKE: Mm. GINA: The only reason I'm not your boss right now is 'cause I'd hate to do that to Holt. He needs this. JAKE: And also you're not a cop. GINA: Well, you're not the basis of a character on "Empire", Jake, but I don't throw that in your face every damn day. JAKE: So you will come with us? GINA: Yeah, I'll be there. JAKE: Pointing at Gina You da man! GINA: Bye, girl! JAKE: (Turning and walking away) See ya in the car, girl. INT. SHAW'S BAR Amy is standing facing the squad (Holt, Rosa, Charles, Hitchcock, Scully and Terry), all around Amy is chalkboards and poster boards full of planning. She slams down a large binder on the table AMY: Okay. First, the good news. I've generated a detailed timeline broken down into 30-second increments to keep us on track. The bad news: we're already 16.5 increments behind schedule. TERRY: Oh, man. Terry feels overwhelmed. AMY: Good! Use it! Neil Armstrong was overwhelmed when he walked on the Moon, but you know what he did? He walked on the Moon! Charles, you're in charge of food. CHARLES: I've been planning a nuptial menu since the day I met Genevieve. Warning, it will be delicious and highly erotic. ROSA: Your menu is not gonna involve animal genitalia, is it? CHARLES: No, I was gonna make (He pauses) not that. AMY: Terry, you're on hair and makeup. I've seen your little girls' pigtails, so I know you can do it. TERRY: They actually prefer my hair work to their mommy's. (He giggles) I love their little heads. (He starts whimpering) ROSA: Terry, what's going on, man? TERRY: It's just a matter of time before I'm doing their hair at their weddings. It goes so fast. They're still babies! AMY: Pull it together, Jeffords! Scully and Hitchcock, you're in charge of seating. SCULLY: Smart move, Amy. I've been called the Leonardo da Vinci of sitting on my ass. Hitchcock looks down at Scully curiously. AMY: Great. And, Captain, you can help me decorate. HOLT: I'm at your disposal, just tell me what to do. I'm here to implement your vision. AMY: (She laughs) Well, we just wanna keep it classy. HOLT: Got it. Balloon arch. AMY: (Looking shocked) What? HOLT: Say no more, it's done. I'm off to the nearest balloon store. (He walks off) AMY: Okay, Rosa. You go to the office, have a couple bellinis, and just relax. ROSA: What's a Bellini? AMY: Peach juice and champagne. ROSA: (Looking disgusted) Peach juice and champagne? What am I, six? AMY: (She sighs) Come on, just try it. It's what Nancy Meyers would drink. ROSA: Fine. For Nancy. INT. JAKE'S CAR We see Jake driving with Pimento in the front passenger seat and Gina in the back. JAKE: So, big day. How you feeling, buddy? PIMENTO: Good, giddy. (He laughs) I've never felt giddy before. Didn't realize how close it was to hungry. JAKE: You know, it's possible you're just hungry. When's the last time you ate? PIMENTO: Uh, three days ago? JAKE: Ah. GINA: You excited for being married? PIMENTO: Yeah! I love Rosa. I can't wait to just jam my tongue in her earholes, and eat the hair off her head. Hoo! I'm giddy. GINA: Aw, that's cute. JAKE: All right, we're looking for 381 Smith Street. It should be up here. Hopefully they still have your earrings. They slow the car down. GINA: You sure we're looking for 381? 'Cause 381's looking a little crispy. The camera shows a building with boarded up doors and windows with "381 SMITH" scrawled over one board on where the window would be. There are charcoal marks on the building. PIMENTO: Oh, no. It burned down. How did this happen? JAKE: Uh, it's okay. Everything's gonna be fine. We'll think of something, all right? PIMENTO: Nope! This is a sign from the universe. I can't marry Rosa. Guys, (he pauses) the wedding's off. EXT. 381 SMITH STREET Pimento, Jake and Gina are all standing outside the building looking at the remains. PIMENTO: Oh, no, no, no! (He groans) That's it! We're not getting married. This is a disaster. JAKE: Come on. I mean, they're just earrings, right? We can get another pair, (Pimento looks shocked) or we could make some new ones. All we need is, like, a blacksmith. Or a smelter a smelt man- that can't be right. The point is you can still married. PIMENTO: No, Jake. You don't understand. The universe is sending me a sign. And when the universe talks, I listen! JAKE: Well, I personally don't even really believe in signs, so- PIMENTO: What? Then you deserve to die. JAKE: Ah PIMENTO: The sign was real. If I ignore it and marry Rosa anyway, I'm basically asking the universe to stomp on my balls. JAKE: Okay, good point. (He turns to Gina) Hey, Gina, I could use your help here. You wanna maybe weigh in on this one? GINA: Yeah, sure. (She turns to Pimento) You're right. The marriage is cursed. Pimento points to her whilst looking at Jake in an "I told you so" manner. JAKE: What? No! You weighed in wrong. GINA: I'm sorry, Jake, it's an omen. And I'm not taking your side against the universe's, it's hundred of years old. JAKE: What if there was something in the universe that could prove to you that you should still get married? What would that be? GINA: Finding his grandma's earrings. Or we could cut Rosa's ears off, and then it's like the earrings don't even make sense. PIMENTO: Thank you! Someone's trying to help. JAKE: Okay, so the earrings. (Jake starts typing on his phone) Maybe somebody bought them before the place burned down, right? We could track 'em down. And lookee here. (He holds his phone up) I just got the owner's name. That's good, right? PIMENTO: Okay, maybe there is a little bit of hope. JAKE: (Snaps his fingers) You're damn right there is. (He then looks up and points at the sky) Suck it, universe! Pimento and Gina shout at Jake at the same time. PIMENTO: Are you crazy? GINA: Why would you even say that? PIMENTO: Come on, man! INT. SHAW'S BAR We see Scully sitting on a white wooden chair wiggling around. There are a couple different chairs next to him and Hitchcock is standing over Scully with a clipboard, checking his watch. Amy walks over. AMY: How are the chairs coming, guys? HITCHCOCK: Shh. We're working! SCULLY: (He starts bouncing on the chair) This one's good. AMY: Okay. So we'll go with that one? SCULLY: No, I said it was good. I didn't say it was right. AMY: Wow, you're taking this really seriously. Charles is behind the bar with a bowl full of batter and baking ingredients all over the bar. CHARLES: Amy, will you taste this batter? AMY: Mm-hmm. (She leans forwards and tastes the batter. Hmm, (she makes an unsure face) I think it's a little off. CHARLES: You know what's off? Your mouth! Amy looks taken aback. CHARLES: Why Jake lets your stupid tongue anywhere near him, I'll never know. (He tastes the batter himself and looks disgusted) Nope, I forgot the sugar. That's on me. Amy walks over to Holt who is deep in thought AMY: Whoa, you really made the balloon arch. We see a balloon arch made up of white and silver balloons. HOLT: Made? No. I birthed her. There's no form more graceful than the arch, no object more whimsical than the balloon. AMY: Yes, you and I think that, but (She pauses) what will Rosa think? HOLT: Good point. Rosa would want a much, much bigger balloon arch. Back to the balloon store. Amy looks shocked as Holt walks off. Terry approaches her. TERRY: Uh, Amy? We've got a problem. AMY: What? TERRY: Rosa's drunk. AMY: Rosa? No. How? ROSA (O.S.): Bellinis rule! (She walks into view) Nancy Meyers, you've done it again, you saucy bitch. EXT. SHOP OWNER'S HOUSE Jake, Pimento and Gina are standing outside the house of the owner of the pawn shop. SHOP OWNER: For the last time, I don't have your earrings. They didn't survive the fire. GINA: Aw, no, this is really bad. JAKE: Well, not necessarily. I mean, maybe the universe allowed something else to survive, you know? Like a rabbit's foot. SHOP OWNER: I don't think you understand how pawn shops work. JAKE: I don't think you understand how they work. Yours burned down! I'm so sorry you lost everything. I'm just really worked up. The shop owner closes the door. JAKE: No, please don't! The door slams and they start walking away. JAKE: Okay, so I know that seemed like a little bit of a dead end. (He chuckles) PIMENTO: She's got the earrings. JAKE: She does? PIMENTO: She stole all the merch, and then burned down the store. She was wearing a necklace that I also pawned there. GINA: Oh, snap! Signs on signs on signs! JAKE: Are you sure it's the same necklace? PIMENTO: Uh, yeah, Jake. I once punched it through a guy's throat, so I'm pretty sure I remember it. JAKE: I stand corrected. All right, I'm gonna call the local police and get a warrant. (He starts typing on his phone. PIMENTO: Oh, don't bother. Let's just kick down the door, and take back what's mine. JAKE: No! No, no, no. That's a bad idea. GINA: He's right. Just use the lattice. The upstairs window's open. JAKE: No! PIMENTO: (Claps his hands and points at Gina) Nice! (He then runs off) Jake turns to Gina. JAKE: What are you doing? GINA: I'm trying to make this wedding happen. What are you doing? JAKE: Trying to keep us out of prison. You know what, forget it. I'll just deal with him myself (he turns around to see where Pimento went) nope, he's already on the roof. We see Pimento on the roof and Gina and Jake run after him. GINA: Aha! Yeah, dog! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! INT. SHAW'S BAR, BACK ROOM Rosa is sitting down at a table drinking a Bellini. Amy and Charles are standing the opposite side looking at her. AMY: Rosa, what happened? ROSA: Sorry. I didn't know you could drunk off champers. I mean, it's half bubbles. CHARLES: Don't worry, Amy. I got this. I'm a master at sobering up. AMY: Are you sure? CHARLES: Uh, you don't go to the Renaissance Faire every weekend in your 20s without learning how to handle your mead. AMY: Great. Thanks, Charles. CHARLES: Mm-hmm. Amy walks out the room and Charles shuts the door as Amy leaves. ROSA: Charles, I'm getting married today. CHARLES: Yes, you are. (He takes the Bellini off of Rosa) And I'm gonna make sure you are sober when that happens. Now I just need cayenne pepper and some horse milk. ROSA: Marriage is the best. Hey, how come you and Genevieve aren't married? Huh? CHARLES: Uh, (he pauses) you know, it's complicated. ROSA: No, it's not. It's easy. Bring her down here. We'll all get married! CHARLES: Yeah, right. She doesn't want that. ROSA: Whoa, that sounds (She blows raspberries)- CHARLES: No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Uh-uh, no, no. Rosa stops. CHARLES: Everything's great with us. I mean, if it was up to me, we'd get hitched, but she had a really bad divorce, so- ROSA: Oh, I'm sorry. Does that upset you? CHARLES: I'm good! Yeah, I'm good! We see Rosa and Charles both now sitting behind the table, drunk and still drinking Bellinis CHARLES: I'm so sad. I love her so much. I wanna marry her butt so bad. ROSA: To Genevieve's butt! CHARLES: To Genevieve's butt! They cheers their glasses INT. SHOP OWNER'S HOUSE Jake climbs in the top window and we see Pimento and Gina already inside looking around the room which is full of junk. PIMENTO: Look at all this crap. See, I told you. They took all their merchandise, and burned their store. JAKE: This is a bad idea. We should leave now. PIMENTO: What? No. All we're gonna do is find the earrings, and then light this place on fire for revenge. GINA: Check it out! (She picks up a wooden rainstick) Rainstick. Keeping it. JAKE: No, you're not. That is a crime. GINA: Untrue. Once you steal something, none of your stuff belongs to you. PIMENTO: I've heard that too. JAKE: No, you haven't. No one has. Put that down. GINA: Okay. (She turns the rainstick over causing it to make trickling sound) JAKE: Gina! Be a quieter robber! GINA: But you told me to put it down. The shop owner enters the room looking angry. JAKE: Hi, we met earlier. SHOP OWNER: You're breaking into my house? GINA: Or are you breaking into our house? JAKE: Yeah. SHOP OWNER: (She starts shouting) Dino! Robbers! Dino! PIMENTO: (He stands up holding some earrings) Aha! I found the earrings! SHOP OWNER: Dino! Get up here! PIMENTO: Yeah, Dino! Get in here! So you can watch me light your house on fire! JAKE: Whoa! Okay, everybody, just keep it cool. Everybody be chilly chill chill. A man jumps around the corner holding a samurai sword. DINO: I am gonna slice your face off! JAKE: Not chill, Dino. Gina screams whilst kicking the door shut DINO: Let me in there, you sons of bitches! Jake, Pimento and Gina all climb out the window. Pimento starts going down the trellis but Jake stops Gina. JAKE: Wait, wait! The trellis won't hold all three of us at the same time. GINA: Smart. Jake and Gina then fall through the roof of the porch whilst screaming. INT. JAKE'S CAR Jake is driving his car again with Pimento in the front passenger seat and Gina in the back. PIMENTO: Whoo! GINA: Ooh! That was awesome! I love being a police officer! JAKE: That was the opposite of being a police officer. We just robbed somebody. PIMENTO: Who robbed us! The universe is back on track, baby! We got grandma's earrings back! GINA: And the rainstick! (Gina holds up the rainstick and starts shaking it) JAKE: Which you will be returning. GINA: Uh, sure I will. JAKE: How are we doing on traffic? PIMENTO: Green all the way. JAKE: All right, looks like we're actually gonna make it in time for this wedding. Thank you, universe. Thank you for blessing this marriage. A metallic clank is heard and the car starts slowing down. JAKE: Okay, I know what you're thinking, but this is not a sign. I just have to pump the gas twice, and turn it back on. This happens all the time. (He starts the engine but smoke erupts from the bonnet) Oh, boy. This has never happened before. Everybody out! EXT. COUNTRY ROAD Gina - who is on the phone - and Pimento are sitting on the side of the road whilst Jake is leaning against the car. PIMENTO: This is the worst day of my life. The universe doesn't want me to marry Rosa. JAKE: Look, it's gonna be fine. We'll get the car fixed and make it back in time. Gina, when's the tow truck getting here? GINA: (She covers the phone and talks to Jake) No idea, I'm talking to my spiritual adviser. He says we have an engine problem. JAKE: Yeah, I know, that's why I said call a tow truck! GINA: So you meant my spiritual adviser is right? PIMENTO: Guys! This is my fault. I should've just given up when fate burned down the pawn shop, okay? Stupid Adrian. (He starts shouting at himself) Stupid Adrian! Idiot! Read the signs! JAKE: Enough! I'm so sick of this garbage, all right? The two of you need to stop looking for signs everywhere- (Jake notices a sign giving the direction of an Airport) oh, my God, a sign. GINA: Whoo! He can fly! Prop planes! (Gina point at Pimento) You can fly, you can fly! JAKE: I'm a vessel for the universe. INT. SHAW'S BAR Hitchcock and Scully are measuring the distance between two identical chairs. Amy is holding a clipboard, looking impressed at all the chairs set out. AMY: Wow. The chairs look amazing. I can't believe you two aren't my biggest problem today. HITCHCOCK: We're not? Who is? HOLT (O.S.): My arch. Isn't she beautiful? Amy rolls her eyes and walks off. Scully turns to Hitchcock. SCULLY: I got eye-rolled to, not about! Amy walks up to Holt. HOLT: While Pimento stares at Rosa, we'll all be staring at (the camera reveals three large balloon arches, each larger than the last) her. AMY: Yes, we will. HOLT: She's truly breathtaking. There's a double meaning to that. The breath that it takes to inflate all those balloons. Of course I used the hand pump, but the bon mot still works. A loud thud is heard. AMY: Oh, no! What's happening? Someone tell me what's happening. TERRY: (Walking up to Amy) I got some more bad news. AMY: Oh. TERRY: (Noticing the balloon arch) Oh, wow. That thing's huge. Didn't Rosa want things to be classy? I mean, she's getting married, not finishing a marathon. HOLT: So says the hair guy. Stay in your lane, bucko. Right, Santiago? AMY: The arch sucks! I'm sorry. I didn't want to say anything because you're my boss and you were so excited, but the truth is every time I look at it I wanna die and take you with me. HOLT: (Looking taken aback) Well, I wish you'd said something before I spent all day making it. Of course, you didn't want to "burst my bubble". Pun intended. And then you did. Holt grabs a pen and pops a balloon. Amy sighs, then Holt pops another. Followed by another. TERRY: Forget the arch! Charles didn't sober up Rosa. She got him drunk! AMY: Oh, no. How drunk is he? TERRY: Remember the night they cancelled "Bunheads"? AMY: We're ruined. TERRY: It's fine. I'll handle it. You got your hands full. AMY: (She sighs and turns around) Yeah. Holt is staring at her and pops another balloon. INT. SHAW'S BAR, BACK ROOM Charles and Rosa are still sitting behind the table and Terry pours them a drink. TERRY: This is just 18 shots of espresso. It got me through the first three months of having twins, but I imagine it'll sober you up too. CHARLES: Aww, he's taking care of you. Such a good father. ROSA: Ugh, I miss my father. I used to be daddy's little girl, but we never talk anymore. TERRY: You don't? ROSA: That's what happens. You grow up, your bond with your dad goes (She blows raspberries followed by Charles doing the same) TERRY: No, it doesn't always happen. All right, not to special daddies who put the time in. You know, read them stories, do their little pigtails. ROSA: Really, Sarge? Who do you think used to do my pigtails? We now see Terry sitting at the table with Rosa and Charles. He is now drinking a Bellini as well and crying. TERRY: Why can't they stay babies forever? ROSA: Berlini! CHARLES: Bellini! TERRY: Bellini! They all cheers their glasses. INT. SMALL PLANE We see Jake looking out the back window of a small plane. JAKE: Okay, this is very scary, but it's okay, because you're a trained pilot. The camera reveals Pimento and GIna sitting in the front of the plane. PIMENTO: No, I'm not. I'm self-taught. JAKE: What? PIMENTO: Oh, yeah. You can learn anything online. Ooh, you should see me do origami. GINA: Oh, do you know how to do a frog? PIMENTO: Oh, no! GINA: Can you do a swan? PIMENTO: No. GINA: Can you do a crane? PIMENTO: What's a crane? GINA: Okay, he does not know how to fly a plane. INT. SHAW'S BAR Amy walks in with her checklist. The aisle is set up and the chairs are all laid out and Scully and Hitchcock are standing at the back, admiring their work. AMY: All right, food is ready, decorations are set, guests should start arriving any moment, and the chairs are still perfection. SCULLY: She said they're perfection. I'm so proud of you, buddy. Scully hugs Hitchcock. HITCHCOCK: It was you. You made this happen. AMY: All right! Let's show Rosa what we got. Wait. Where is Rosa? INT. SHAW'S BAR, BACK ROOM Amy walks in the room to see Terry, Rosa and Charles all laughing and drinking Bellinis. Rosa quickly shushes them. ROSA: (Whispering to Terry) Narc. TERRY: And that's why you shouldn't drink. CHARLES: Being drunk sounds terrible. ROSA: (She turns to Amy) Hello, Amy, I didn't see you there. How did the wedding go? AMY: Terry! What the hell, man? You said you were gonna sober them up. TERRY: It was her fault. (He points at Rosa) My girls are never gonna grow up and lose their virginity. CHARLES: I lost my V-card to the woman that refilled Nana's oxygen tanks. Rosa and Terry look disgusted. CHARLES: Her hands were so strong from turning the nozzles. Terry, Rosa and Charles all start laughing. AMY: This is a room of nightmares. HOLT (O.S.): You're the nightmare. We see Holt in the corner of the room with a Bellini in his hand. HOLT: You made me kill my balloon baby. Look at me. So drunk, I'm alliterating like a beatnik. AMY: Okay, everybody outside now! EXT. SHAW'S BAR Amy, with Hitchcock and Scully either side of her holding fire extinguishers, is standing opposite Terry, Charles, Holt and Rosa. AMY: Just know that you brought this on yourselves. CHARLES: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Can't we just go to sleep for a winker? AMY: We're way past winkers. Scully, Hitchcock, bring the frost. Scully and Hitchcock both spray the others with the fire extinguishers and they all start screaming. They eventually stop. AMY: Nice job, you two. HITCHCOCK: We are nailing it today! Jake walks up to Amy. JAKE: Hey! We're back. Pimento's got the earrings, guests are arriving- (Jake turns to Terry, Charles, Holt and Rosa) What the hell are you doing? AMY: Sobering these clowns up. All right, everyone go get dressed. (She sighs) The others all walk back in the bar. JAKE: You would not believe the day I've had. AMY: You and me both, sister. Rosa got drunk, and then every time I sent someone in to help her, she got them drunk too! It's like she was trying to tank this thing. JAKE: Yeah, well, Pimento called off the wedding three times because of the universe. If I didn't know them any better, I'd think they don't even wanna get married. In realization they both turn to each other. JAKE AND AMY: They don't wanna get married! INT. SHAW'S BAR All the guests are sat down and Jake and Amy are standing to the side. JAKE: Okay, so it seems like they don't wanna get married. But is it even our place to say something? No, right? AMY: Right? It's their decision, even if it's a bad one. They could always get divorced. JAKE: People love getting divorced! My parents got divorced, and all it did was scar our family for years and years. AMY: We have to say something. JAKE: Yeah. They both run off. We see Holt and Terry sitting on the front row with Gina and Charles behind them. HOLT: I suppose I can see how a balloon arch might've been a little too much. TERRY: Oh, yeah, for sure. HOLT: No, you're supposed to say, "This wedding looks like garbage". TERRY: This wedding looks like garbage. HOLT: No, no. As long as the bride's happy. Jake walks up to the front of the room. JAKE: Hey there, everyone. Great wedding so far, right? Uh, next up, we're gonna take a quick break, which happens at every wedding, but in the meantime, how about a little entertainment? Boyle? You got your devil sticks? CHARLES: (He nods) Always. Jake walks up to Pimento who is standing at the bar. JAKE: Hey, Adrian. PIMENTO: Yeah. JAKE: We gotta talk. PIMENTO: Really? Right now? I'm working on my vows. Hey! (He snaps his fingers) What rhymes with juicy heinie? JAKE: Nothing. Nothing rhymes with that. I would cut that line. PIMENTO: But that's all I have. JAKE: Forget it. The thing I wanna say is, maybe the universe wasn't telling you stuff today. Maybe you were telling yourself something. PIMENTO: (He crosses his arms) Telling myself what? Gina suddenly appears between them. GINA: Yeah, tell himself what? JAKE: What are you doing here? GINA: I'm a part of this journey. Don't you dare try to cut me out. Amy walks up to Rosa. AMY: Wow, you look beautiful. (She hands her a bouquet of flowers) ROSA: Thanks, Amy. I'm super nervous. Kinda wish I was still drunk. AMY: Yeah. About that I think we should talk. ROSA: Why? (She gasps) Are you packing a Bellini? We see Jake talking to Pimento and Gina. JAKE: Look, I spent the whole day denying the fact that there were signs, but I was wrong. They were actually there. PIMENTO: So far, duh. JAKE: The fact that you kept cancelling your own wedding that was the real sign. GINA: Whoa! You took the situation, and you flippity-flopped it. We see Amy talking to Rosa again. AMY: I don't think it was an accident that you got drunk, or that you got everyone else drunk. ROSA: What? You think I'm trying to sabotage my own wedding? AMY: I don't know. Were you? ROSA: Maybe I was. I don't know, something just doesn't feel right. Oh, man, I gotta talk to Adrian. We see Jake talking to Pimento and Gina. PIMENTO: I was my own sign the whole time? Wow, that's a real M. Night Shyamalan twist the- oh! (He snaps his fingers) "Signs"! Gina and Pimento both gasp. PIMENTO: Wait, do you think he's behind all of this? JAKE: I do not. PIMENTO: I should go talk to Rosa. Thanks, Jake. He walks off. GINA: Jake, you done good, kid. Glad I took you along for the ride. (She walks off) We now see Charles using his devil sticks. CHARLES: Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup! Jake steps up to the front. JAKE: All right, give it up for Charles. Everyone applauds. CHARLES: No, give it up for the devil sticks. They're the real heroes here. JAKE: No, they are not. No one thinks that. All right, I'm not sure how much time we have, but anybody know a joke? HITCHCOCK: (He stands up at the back of the room) Oh, I do! Two Jews walk into a- JAKE: No! Sit down! No, definitely not. Oh! (He notices Rosa and Pimento walking down the aisle so moves away) Soft wedding music plays. Once they get to the front of the room they turn around. PIMENTO: All right, we have an announcement to make. ROSA: We're not getting married. ALL: Aww! ROSA: You can shove those "awws" up your butts. PIMENTO: Yeah, or I'll come out there, and I'll do it for ya! JAKE: What an interesting event. ROSA: I just feel like we were rushing things. We love each other, but we haven't even really spent that much time together. We've never even been on a real date, so we're gonna start there. Everyone applauds. PIMENTO: Shut up! Thank you for the presents. We're keeping them. ROSA: All of them. PIMENTO: Yeah, if you got a problem with it, come talk to us in the parking lot. ROSA: Also, in just 14 hours Amy put together the most amazing non-wedding wedding in history. AMY: Better than "Sleepless in Seattle". PIMENTO: Nope. That is also Nora Ephron. Kill yourself. JAKE: (Whispering to Amy) Don't take it personally. ROSA: Anyway, we can't let all this go to waste. Everybody, clear these chairs out of here, and let's get this party started. Hitchcock and Scully both stand up, shocked HITCHCOCK: No, not the chairs! SCULLY: Don't touch the chairs, you monsters! INT. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE PRECINCT, BULL'S PEN Text on the screen reads "The Next Night". Rosa knocks on the door to the Captain's office, Holt opens it slightly. HOLT: Yeah? ROSA: Oh, I just wanted to thank you for all your help yesterday. HOLT: I didn't do much. It was nothing. Good day. Holt goes to shut the door but Rosa stops him. ROSA: What's going on? HOLT: I'm just very busy. Get back to work. ROSA: Wait. What do you have in there? (She pushes through the door and enters the office) Holt shuts the door behind her. HOLT: A balloon arch. ROSA: Oh, my God, Captain. She is magnificent. HOLT: (Shouting) Vindication!